Birthday Blues

Have you ever had someone in your life that you loved with every ounce of your being, but they couldn't (or perhaps wouldn't) love you the same way?

Back in college, I met this boy... For the sake of this blog, let's call him Nathan. He was kind of the "it boy" on campus, and everyone loved him. We ended up doing a play together, and I immediately fell in love with him. At the time, I was just coming to terms with my sexuality... I didn't know how to handle my feelings, and I ultimately destroyed our friendship. I was too open and honest about my feelings for him. I drove him away.  This is the short version of the story. I could write an entire novel about Nathan, and I'll probably blog about him more in the future. Moral of the story is, don't fall in love with a straight boy. It will be disastrous.

Anyway, I bring him up today is because it's his birthday.

For some reason, I get so weird on his birthday. I spend the whole day obsessing on if I should reach out to him. I could give him a call... But that would just be awkward and too personal. Do I text him? Or is texting him too weird? Maybe I should just post on his Facebook. But everyone posts on Facebook and it would get lost in the crowd.  I could tweet at him, but we don't follow each other on Twitter... The debate goes on.

I don't know why I get so weird. We haven't talked in the last couple years. He's freaking married and lives clear across the country. I should have 110% moved on with my life. I've tried. I've really tried so hard.

But somehow, everything comes back to him.

3 years ago on his birthday, back when I was in the worst of loving him, I went out to dinner and a movie (It was Water for Elephants) BY MYSELF AND PRETENDED HE WAS WITH ME. Folks, it doesn't get much more pathetic than that.  Don't worry about me today. That won't happen again.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who is this crazy, and that it's ok and that I'll be fine.

Happy Birthday, Nathan. I hope you're doing well.

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Update on my last post: I was able to break things off with the exchange student guy. After a long discussion on why we would never work out, he finally understood. He's such a sweet boy. I truly hope he finds what he's looking for.