Stood Up

Do you know what I absolutely HATE?! (Besides kale chips... I'm not eating that garbage. Gross.)
I HATE IT when I get stood up. IT IS THE WORST EVER. For some reason, guys do it to me all the freaking time. I'm not exaggerating. The most recent time just happened this past weekend. Keep reading to learn more!

So, there's this guy... Let's call him Charlie. He and I went to the same grade school back in the olden days, and he was a year ahead of me in school. I've known who he is for quite some time. He just recently moved back to town, and we reconnected on Facebook, and we would casually chat or text. I knew he had a boyfriend at one time, but I have no idea if they are still together. Whatever, besides the point.

We had mentioned several times that we needed to get together. On Wednesday, as we were flirting via SnapChat (Before you ask: No. No dick pics) I asked if he was free either Thursday or Friday evening. He said he was free on Friday. We made plans to get ice cream and go for a walk.  Friday rolls around, and he said that he had to be out of town during the day, and he might get back later than anticipated, so he asked to reschedule for Saturday afternoon. I said that it wasn't a problem at all since I had no plans for the weekend yet. Charlie had to work on Saturday until 4, and when he'd get off he'd message me. Awesome. He also said that he was really excited and looking forward to finally spend time with me. We even tossed around the idea of cuddling... Cuddling is my favorite. I was really excited.

So, Saturday. I start to get cleaned up around 3:30. I took a shower, made sure my hair was perfectly coiffed, and put on some nice yet casual clothes and wait for Charlie to message me because he promised. Around 5:45 I sent him a message asking him what the plan was. He said that he had to do some unpacking, but he'd message me when he was ready for me to come over. By 7:45, I hadn't heard back from him, so I sent him another message. No response. At 9:45, I sent another message that said, "So, am I safe to assume we're not hanging out tonight?" No response. At 10:15, I sent another message that said "I can take a hint. Goodnight, Charlie."

Here's how I KNOW he was ignoring me. He was online on Facebook, and he viewed my "My Story" pictures on SnapChat. Like seriously... What the hell?

I'm a pretty understanding person. If you need to cancel on me, I totally get that. If you aren't interested in me or having second thoughts? No big deal. JUST LET ME KNOW. Don't leave me sitting around waiting on you for SIX HOURS with absolutely no explanation. DON'T BE A DOUCHEBAG AND LEAVE ME HANGING.

I told myself awhile back that I'm not waiting around on boys anymore. I'm not off to a good start.

I have yet to hear back from him or receive an apology.

Screw you, Charlie.

Birthday Blues

Have you ever had someone in your life that you loved with every ounce of your being, but they couldn't (or perhaps wouldn't) love you the same way?

Back in college, I met this boy... For the sake of this blog, let's call him Nathan. He was kind of the "it boy" on campus, and everyone loved him. We ended up doing a play together, and I immediately fell in love with him. At the time, I was just coming to terms with my sexuality... I didn't know how to handle my feelings, and I ultimately destroyed our friendship. I was too open and honest about my feelings for him. I drove him away.  This is the short version of the story. I could write an entire novel about Nathan, and I'll probably blog about him more in the future. Moral of the story is, don't fall in love with a straight boy. It will be disastrous.

Anyway, I bring him up today is because it's his birthday.

For some reason, I get so weird on his birthday. I spend the whole day obsessing on if I should reach out to him. I could give him a call... But that would just be awkward and too personal. Do I text him? Or is texting him too weird? Maybe I should just post on his Facebook. But everyone posts on Facebook and it would get lost in the crowd.  I could tweet at him, but we don't follow each other on Twitter... The debate goes on.

I don't know why I get so weird. We haven't talked in the last couple years. He's freaking married and lives clear across the country. I should have 110% moved on with my life. I've tried. I've really tried so hard.

But somehow, everything comes back to him.

3 years ago on his birthday, back when I was in the worst of loving him, I went out to dinner and a movie (It was Water for Elephants) BY MYSELF AND PRETENDED HE WAS WITH ME. Folks, it doesn't get much more pathetic than that.  Don't worry about me today. That won't happen again.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who is this crazy, and that it's ok and that I'll be fine.

Happy Birthday, Nathan. I hope you're doing well.

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Update on my last post: I was able to break things off with the exchange student guy. After a long discussion on why we would never work out, he finally understood. He's such a sweet boy. I truly hope he finds what he's looking for.

Awkward First Dates are Awkward.

After debating what to write about first, I decided to go with the most recent event in my life... I went on a date last night! It was really awkward, and I haven't told anyone about it yet. So, you're welcome for the exclusive, Internet. 

So, the other night, I got a message from a cute boy on Grindr. (Grindr is literally the worst ever, but what is a bored gay boy to do? More about how much I hate Grindr in a later post). He was a Latino boy, and he wasn't originally from the states, so my interest was piqued. Through our conversations, he seemed really nice and seemed to be genuinely interested in me. He uses wayyy to many emoji, but at the time I found it charming. We decided to meet up for dinner and a movie.

I drove about a half hour to pick him up, and I immediately see he isn't as cute in person as he is in his profile pictures.  To quote Jonathan Groff's character in the HBO show Looking, "Instagram filters have ruined everything and I can’t tell if this guy is hot or not."  I was a bit disappointed, but it's no big deal. It's not what's on the outside that matters, right? 

I pick him up and we go to dinner. He was really sweet, but I really didn't have much to say. It might have been that I was really tired, but it also might have been the fact I knew right away it wasn't going to work. He, however, talked a lot. 

I found out that he was an exchange student who was still in high school... Well THAT'S awkward.  In his defense, he apparently finished high school already in his country, and they put him as a high school senior here. He's over 18.  He graduates next week.  Still, as a 20-something who is out of college, he is way to young for me. Like, to the point I felt kind of creepy.

After dinner, we went to a movie. We ended up deciding on the new Godzilla movie. Perfect date movie, right? About 3/4 of the way through the movie, he grabs my hand. Okay, fine. Whatever. I'll hold his hand for a bit. No big deal.

After the movie, I start to drive him home. Apparently he can't read that I'm not that into him in that way... He's all holding my hand and hanging on my arm. I start to feel awkward. We get to a red light, and he leans over and kisses me. It caught me off guard. Okay, fine. Not super romantic or anything, but it's alright.

We get back to his house, and he's all "I wish you could come in, but my parents..." and I'm like, no, that's okay I need to go home anyway. So he starts kissing me again, and I go with it for awhile. Not the best kissing I've ever partaken in, but kissing is fun, I guess...

So, it's not the most awkward date I've ever been on, but I definitely wasn't comfortable.   So, he texted me today and told me that a girl who lives on his street saw us kissing.. So that's extremely awkward. Thankfully I wasn't in my hometown, and I don't really know anyone in his. 

The whole situation really annoyed me. And from his texts to me today, I think that he's ready to be in a relationship. But the more he texts me, the more annoyed I get. His poor grammar and excessive use of emoji are starting to get on my nerves, and it is only like day 5 of actually talking. I just see so many red flags already. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to break his heart... I hate that. But, I better do it now before I have to start faking a relationship. I'm not that kind of boy.

Was I a jerk? I tried to tell him upfront that I didn't want to jump into a relationship. He just seemed interested in kissing me. I probably shouldn't have let him kiss me. I don't know what happened. I awkwardly froze up and let it happen. Okay, maybe in this instance I am a jerk. I'll admit it. 

So, yet another guy is not my Prince Charming. Oh well. Moving on with my life...

First Post!

Hello there!

A while back, I was talking with a good friend of mine who is an avid blogger, and I was telling her how hard it was to be a gay man in a small country town. We talked about me starting a blog to document my (lack of) sexcapades.  

However, I just now got the inspiration to start writing. I just finished reading a really good book, and I thought to myself... Hey! I can do that! So this blog was born!  I feel like I should open a bottle of champagne! I don't have any though... And it's too late to go get some. So, ice water it is!

A few things before we get started...

1. This blog is anonymous, and will stay that way indefinitely. While I am out to my close friends and most of my family, being a flaming homosexual in my hometown is reason for talk and gossip. As long as I live here, I have to protect myself. I dream of that one day when being myself isn't so taboo, but this is rural America, folks. If names need to be used, I will change them. 

2. I'm a Christian, and my religion is VERY important to me. I'm not going to go into detail about my religious beliefs.  That's not what this blog is about, but keep that in mind when you're wondering why "casual hookups" aren't my thing.  I grew up believing with my whole heart that sex should be saved until marriage. Since I've come to terms with my sexuality, I'm not really sure how the marriage thing plays in... I'm figuring it out. 

3. I apologize right now if things get slightly vulgar. If you're offended, please go away. That's all.

Alright, ladies and gentlemen! I think that's all you need to know before this blog launches! I'm excited. Are you excited? 

I hope you enjoy.